Dead Villains Anonymous
by Kadaj
Summary: It was true. They were all there...crammed into one room. Poor Zexion. Bumped up to M because of language XDDD
1. And it starts

**Now then, before the story begins, a few notes. First of all, I was very sad that I couldn't get KHII till tomorrow, and I guess this is what trigged this story. XDD Second of all, all the characters I bash, I love. Trust me. Thirdly, Nomura is NOT a bastard. XD**

**Disclaimer: KH is Square's.**

Dead Villains Anonymous

There were rooms full of em, that was for sure. The rejects, the dead, the fallen; they were all crammed into rooms according to their video game titles in that weird ass castle. Devil May Cry, Metal Gear Solid, that samurai game that nobody cared about, and…our most important game of this story…

Kingdom Hearts.

They, like the others, were well endowed with their own fanciful room, supplied with various items, including the beloved Ps2, gameboy SPs, Xboxes, the works. There were several comfortable chairs for the occupants to relax in, and a wide screen TV at the end of the room. Now, of course this might seem like one's dream, what with all of this grand crap that people seem to spend millions on obtained for free. No, that was not the case. There was a different problem.

It was the fact that they were all STUCK together.

And Zexion was not one to be angered; no, he was a pretty calm guy most of the time. You know, the type the fangirls would pretty much stampede after. He was thin, feminine looking, and had no emotion whatsoever. But seriously, this was too much. The most he could do was sit in a chair, isolated from everyone else, twitching so much he thought the vein might pop out of his forehead.

There was Larxene, a blonde woman with a constant running mouth, and was quite gifted with a bitchy, icy temper. With her constant PMS and all around bitchy attitude, Zexion's answer to her was to simply close his eyes and will the often-present headache to vanish. There was also her strange obsession with Marluxia. Why did that annoy him? Easy. HE was always the one who was hounded by both of them on this problem. Marluxia would run to him, after almost being molested by Larxene, in tears, and Zexion would have no choice but to roll his eyes and bare his rantings of madness and molestation to him. Then Larxene would come in, screeching after him, declaring her eternal adoration and love for the pink-haired man.

Speaking of Marluxia…er… he was quite a bizarre fellow. After failing horribly in taking over the Organization, Sora bluntly kicked his ass, though he'd often add haughtily that he was the last to fall and therefore 'pwned' everyone. At present, Zexion seriously had no fucking clue what he meant by 'pwned,' so he'd just nod to make himself look like he understood. Seemed to work, actually. There were other problems with Marluxia, what with his complete worship of flowers, and his…scythe. That thing scared him. A lot. Especially when Marluxia would clean the blade right in front of him, look up, and give him an evil smirk.

Next up would be Vexen. Zexion…didn't…feel…very…comfortable around that man. It seemed every time he was near, Zexion would use more dots in his sentences than usual. And he'd always try to engage him in a twisted, scientific conversation, claiming that Zexion was the only one worth speaking to. And those would be the times when Zexion would promptly state he has to got to the bathroom, and would not come out for hours.

Where were the others who had died, might you ask? Not everyone ended up in this castle. Hoh no, it seemed that only the unlucky ones were stuck in this hellhole. At least, that's how Zexion thought of it. He was absolutely bored to tears almost every single day, stuck sitting in a chair, trying to drown out the bitching, the tears, and the all around creepiness of his companions. And what made it even worse was….

"HEYGUYSWHAT'SUPHAVINGFUNBEINGDEADBYE!"

…That.

They often had a visitor. A visitor who liked sugar a lot. A visitor who often got on sugar rushes. A visitor with fiery red hair and shockingly green eyes. A visitor…who was not dead. Every…goddamn…day, he'd run through the room at a blinding speed, shouting those exact same words, over, and over…and over…and then he'd run right back out again.

Zexion had watched blankly as Marluxia had attempted to catch the bastard before, which earned the scythe wielder a kick in the nuts and handful of hair from the hyper unknown. The silver haired man had actually winced as Marluxia crumpled to the ground, moaning about flowers and roses. He stopped wincing when Larxene dove onto Marluxia, however, exclaiming loudly that she needed to 'check' that specific 'area' for injury.

Many screams of terror followed that incident.

And what did he do? He sat. He sat like this every day, drowning out all the crap that was going on, silently wishing that he had been sent to the fiery pits of hell rather than this shit pile.

That Nomura was one sick bastard.


	2. Porn, Icecream, and Eyebrows

**Disclaimer: Do I REALLY have to say it? >>**

**Chapter 2**

The room was getting a lot more crowded now…

One would wonder why Square Enix, with all the dough they drag in, couldn't provide a large, decent room for its deceased villains. Or maybe it was just Zexion was thinking that…

Indeed, the young man was at his wit's hand, clinging to the arms of his chair, his eyes wide, his teeth gritting together so loudly it was like nails scratching on a chalkboard. He feared for what little was left of his sanity, though he knew it would not stay long. The room was just too crowded now. He had been slightly fine with only the girly Scythe man, the molester, and the old nut-job, but this…this was ridiculous. In just two days, the room had been filled to the brink with deceased Organization members. He was so close to his wits end, that he had started to resort to speaking his 'diary' like thoughts of the past year aloud, along with a strange and mysterious and awesome and downright sexy and cool and purty voice.

"I'm starting to consider that the life and moral values that the keyblade master always spoke of are really lies to cover up his true intentions; his quest for-"

"-PORN!"

And then there was silence.

With the blonde lurking so nearby, Zexion knew he shouldn't have said anything out loud. For now Demyx would not vanish; he remained practically glued to the arm on his chair, ranting about stuff that, _surprisingly_, Zexion didn't give a shit about.

"I mean, DUDE! You should've seen the bo-"

"You are incontrovertibly infuriating."

"….."

"You don't know what that means, do you?"

"Mm...Nope!" It was at that time Zexion held his head in his gloved hands, whispering curses of death upon all the occupants of the dreaded room. Besides Demyx, several others had been brought to the hell, including the annoying, gambling addicted Luxord, and the man with the strange eyebrows, code name Xaldin.

"Demyx…Vexen found some ice-cream in the corner. Why don't you busy yourself with that?" Zexion muttered through his hands, willing the boy to leave him be. Demyx yelled something incoherent, and hobbled off to annoy Vexen, more than likely.

The silver haired Nobody gave a sigh of relief, closing his eyes slightly as the noise that had been screeching in his ears calmed. He had naught but a few seconds of peace before another interruption broke his silence. Unsurprisingly, he did not even bat an eyelid as Demyx's body sailed over his head, ruffling his silver hair slightly.

"CURSED FOOL! DO NOT TOUCH MY PREEEECIIIOUSSS!" Vexen hissed lowly, slinking past the still impassive Zexion—motionless in his chair, of course—and approaching the now swirly-eyed Demyx. And it was at that time that the equally stoic Saix loafed over to Zexion. Zexion, without a word, raised his gaze to that of the golden-eyed man's.

Stare.

Stare.

"Go. Away."

And thus Saix left, confusing both the readers of this story and Nomura himself at the plain stupidity of the moon man. Yes, moon man. And that is what he shall be referred to now. Deal with it. As soon as Saix had retreated to wherever the hell he came from, Zexion let out a deep sigh. Life sucked. Wait. Life? But wasn't he dead? So it's the afterlife then, right? But he didn't exist in the first place, so what was—

"If you do not shut your damnable mouth this instant, Strife, I will rip your liver out of your throat. This is NOT Final Fantasy VII, which means, quite frankly, that I do not want to deal with any internal monologue, got it?" Zexion hissed to the large lump under the carpet that had just finished whispering the last sentence. With a cry of terror, the said lump sprang into the air and dashed off, taking time to ram itself into a certain scientist before escaping back into the world of the living and away from the wrath of Zexion.

Zexion had no clue how much time he'd have alone this time, at least before someone else would butt into his business. As he sat there in the chair, strongly attempting to not encounter any more of those scary moments where he'd start reciting his life again, Zexion thought of something. His gaze fell to the door that Strife had just recently escaped out of. Surely, surely the door had been locked before, right?

"Then how did he…" He said no more as his jaw dropped and he flung himself at the door, twisting the handle wildly. "YOU PIECE OF FUCKING GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH SHIT!"

"Already tried it. Won't work."

"No. Shit." Zexion muttered, resorting back to his calm and unemotional state. The black-haired man cleared his throat once, and adjusted the glass container…er…containing a rose he had tucked under one arm.

"You know, Zexion, was it?" Zexion said nothing. More or less, his stare was locked firmly onto the bushy appendages attached to Xaldin's forehead. The way they were shaped…the way they seemed to crawl across…"Zexion?" Zexion shook his head violently and looked back at Xaldin, who seemed a little bit more shaken than before. "Er…anyway…as I was saying…how _did_ you die?"

Silence.

"I mean, I'd have to say we all died pretty good badass deaths. You know, being killed by the keyblade master and all that. Hell, even Vexen had a pretty good death. But I still don't know why the hell Axel's still alive for that matter..."

Zexion was a little too preoccupied searching for Marluxia's scythe.

"We all saw him die in front of the keyblade master! I was cracking up when he died, then I come to find out that he's somehow alive again. That really sucks! Hey…you gonna answer me or…shit."

-Insert particularly nasty screams of terror and animalistic roars-

Being killed behind the scenes seems to have really taken a toll on Zexion.


	3. Must be emo

_AN: No inspiration at all lately. Damn school is dragging it out of me; it SUCKS. Bah. Well, sorry if this one sucks. I tried. XD_

_READ THIS: if there's any confusion, the Kadaj featured in this chapter is ME. Got it memorized? Not silver haired, male Kadaj, me. _

_Chapter 3_

"Hakuna Mutata!"

Stare.

"What…the…fuck…" Demyx bounced around the room in tune with the handy drum set Marluxia had some how yanked out of thin air. Dancing in nothing but a leopard print speedo, Demyx shook his goodies at the rest of the aghast faces of the deceased Organization. Xaldin held his face in his hands. Larxene stared curiously. Vexen stared even more.

"What a wonderful phrase!" There was nothing to describe the look of absolute, morbid disgust plastered on the normally pokerfaced Zexion. Not even the shake of a bloody tampon in front of his face could wake him from this look of frozen repulsion fixated on the hip thrusting Demyx. Big words for such a little mind.

"I heard that," came the drawling voice of the silver haired Nobody, now awake from his trance. Zexion excused himself (if you call shoving Marluxia into the almost completely nude Demyx politeness) out of the now horrified section of the room. He swiftly slunk out of the steel chair and avoided the ever-hungry gaze of the disturbed Vexen.

He had naught traveled a few steps out into the mighty unknown of the left side of the room when a wave of chills assaulted his back. Zexion literally froze, the drumming stopped, the singing stopped, everything stopped. Hell, even the strange sounds coming from the bathroom stopped. Instantaneously, the crew of Nobodies cranked their heads towards the one exit that was…open.

And in the doorway, there was a rain cloud.

And in that rain cloud, there was lightning, rain, and thunder.

And under the lightning, rain, and thunder, there was a boy…

…who shall be known as….

"EMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Demyx shrieked as loudly as Nobodily possible, throwing his robe back on and diving under a chair.

Zexion craned his head as he took in the pissed off look of a certain silver haired teen whom of which shall not be named for an even greater purpose of making the storyline actually work instead of this just being random crap that nobody cares about I made a funny Nobody get it my English teacher is going to slay me now for destroying English grammar and sentence structure.

Zexion winced as the rain splattered messily on the carpet. They had just called in carpet men earlier to get some more since Demyx had ruined it by attempting to surf, and now this damn emo was making it soggy again. The Nobody raised his eyes from the mess to the sulking emo boy, whom of which seemed to be finding pleasure in scraping long poems onto the walls with a razor blade. Zexion shook his head and sighed.

"Excuse me."

More scraping.

"Pardon me."

A little broken heart to the right.

"HEY FUCKING EMO KID! TURN AROUND!" The scraping stopped so suddenly Zexion thought (and hoped) that the kid had had some kind of a heart attack. No such luck. He turned around slowly to Zexion, eyes full of tears and rage. The Nobodies behind Zexion, peeking over his shoulders, all widened their eyes in unison. Zexion cursed.

"WHATDOYOUMEANEMOYOUDON'TUNDERSTANDMENOONEDOESWHYDOYOUHATEMEWHYAREN'TMYTEARSREDLIKETHEBLOODTHATBOILSMYCRYINGANGSTINGHEARTOFTOOOOOORTTUUUUUUUURRRRE!" Now blown half way across the room, Zexion gave his own look of shock to the demented child.

"I didn't know emos were that strong…"

"Don't forget," Demyx suddenly chirped from underneath Marluxia's arm in their messy dog pile, voice muffled by the fabric of his coat, "that he's got that darkness stuff and thingies." Zexion gave a curt nod.

"Of course…so how do we get rid of him?" Zexion felt the bushy appendages above Xaldin's eyes twitch rapidly under him and hurriedly shrunk away from them. Xaldin shifted up so that his lovely face was revealed to all.

"He needs to slash his wrists…either that or we need a gun."

"Meh, the first option's too messy," Luxord muttered and shoved a half asleep Vexen off his ass in disgust. "We need Xigbar."

"But Xigbar got kicked out last month for attempting bodily harm on Nomura!" Demyx whined to the group, earning him a sharp kick in the ribs from Marluxia, who had just woken up and shoved Vexen off as well; some how the mad scientist had ended up on his ass, too.

"Well where is he?" Zexion asked; his eyebrows rose in a strange curiosity over their previous companion.

And then there was silence.

Somewhere in another room of the castle

"Mm…com'ere baby…"

"Don't you dare touch me you nauseating pirate guy!"

"Come on! You know you want it!"

"I most certainly do not want _anything_ from you!"

_Bang._

"Oh my, babe. I seem to have shot off the door knob."

"Oh no you didn't..."

"Awesome."

"As if!"

"Ah, now you're catching my drift-_SMASH_….Ow."

"Next time, I'll make sure you can never have babies."

"Like, that was uncalled for."

And thus, Xigbar was once more, kicked out of another room, this one belonging to "The Dead Babes of Gaming." Landing flat on the harsh stone, Xigbar let out a muffled groan as his face smashed into the hall floor. It was a few moments before he raised his scarred, eye patched face from the floor and was met with a pair of high heeled, tapping flip-flops. He blinked his eyes again.

"Wow…shoes can like…dance now." Scaring the shit out of him, he was yanked up off the floor and was met with the gaze of fierce hazel eyes. Xigbar let out a small "oh" and gave a once over of the stranger. Highlighted, shoulder length, blonde hair, puckered, annoyed lips, a green Jack Sparrow shirt and mini skirt; he was liking this more and more.

"Will you stop drooling and pay attention, Xigbar? Xigbar!"

"Huh…oh yeah."

"Look, the name's Kadaj. I'm here to make sure you get your ass back into the Organization room." Xigbar broke out of his stupor shortly before hearing that statement and gave her a look of surprise.

"But dude…they kicked me out."

"Yeah, but it's…um…well, you have to go!"

"Date?"

"Huh?" Xigbar sent her a sly grin, winking with his one eye that he had left.

"You heard me. We go on a date and-"

And with a snap of Kadaj's fingers, Xigbar flashed in an instant. She brushed her hands together neatly, giving a nice nod to thin air. She straightened her shirt smartly after that, before she disappeared in a flash much like Xigbar had done.

And thus, the story ends without any smartass statement because the author loathes this chapter.


	4. And thus, it ends

AN: Hah, sorry it's taken so long to update. It's senior year for me, so it's busssy But anyway, this is the final chapter, so I hope you guys enjoy!

Disclaimer: lol it not min3.

Chapter 4

"Mansex!"

"What the hell?!" Zexion glanced up at the satisfied nobody sitting next to him with a startled expression. Did he just offer him…

"The Superior's name! I unscrambled it to get his real name, and I got Mansex…that's right, isn't it Zexion?" Zexion held his tongue for a moment. Tell him the truth, and life would go on as it was. Tell him a lie…and this hellhole might actually become interesting.

Zexion cleared his throat; setting down his the thick book he had in his lap and gave a devious smile to the goofy blonde. "Of course it is. You're quite intelligent, Demyx." Demyx hopped up with joy, giving a loud yelp.

"I knew it wasn't Xehanort! I've got to go tell Xigbar!" Zexion sighed, rearranged himself in the chair, and then opened the book again. Xigbar would probably be too busy to care; last he had seen of him he had been clawing the door, whining. Zexion didn't see what was so attractive about the evil bitch that locked them in there in the first place. She was plain looking and Zexion didn't care.

As he mulled over his lovely words, he wondered if Sora had managed to even reach the Superior yet. The kid wasn't the brightest. Zexion remembered back in Castle Oblivion when he ended up wandering around that Atlantica world for three hours before he realized he was not in The Hundred Acre Wood and that shouting "POOOOOOOH!!" at the top of his lungs wasn't working. Just for extra measure, Zexion managed to convince Axel to do a little…work.

Bet the kid was traumatized when they all learned that Pooh does in fact bleed real blood instead of white, fluffy stuffing.

"So, have they managed to catch Axel yet?" purred a deep British accent to his left. Zexion looked up and shook his head, earning him a low sigh from Luxord. Axel had been killed…and yet Axel didn't seem to want to stay dead. He apparently thought it was okay to not stay in the Organization room because the fangirls loved him so much.

The same fangirls that made him and Lexaeus…never mind.

Luxord took a seat next to him, mindlessly pulling out a deck of cards. Leaning back in his chair, he rolled his head so his eyes were focused on the silent Nobody.

"Want to have a go?" Zexion, deciding that no one there wanted him to finish his book, shut it loudly.

"Fine."

As they dealt out the cards, a loud BANG resounded across the room. Neither of them budged. Nor did they flinch when a girlish scream pierced their ears. And you can bet they didn't make a sound as a distraught Marluxia flew past them, Larxene following closely.

"IT RUBS THE LOTION ON THE SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!" She screamed as she sped past, waving a bottle of lotion as if to prove her point. Zexion stared at his cards.

"Got any nines?"

A boot flew over Luxord's head.

"Go fish."

Off went a black robe.

"Do you have any aces?"

Zexion cursed and handed over an ace as a pair of boxes floated down next to him. The man was always right…no doubt using his damn powers to cheat again. Zexion was just thankful that they weren't playing strip poker this time…he shuddered at the thought.

POP!

That was the sound of a new dead person coming into the room. Which was weird. If the occupants were just popped into the room, why the hell was there a door anyway?

"MANSEX!" That was definitely Demyx.

"…What the hell did you just call me?"

Seemed like the Superior was finally here.

He stumbled past Zexion, backing away from the deranged Larxene.

"Mansex…your name is Mansex…IWANTMANSEX!!" And that was definitely Larxene.

Zexion didn't know the Superior could scream like a little girl.

* * *

So, Demyx somehow managed to burn down the entire prison they were in. That might seem like a good thing…but they couldn't leave this realm in the first place.

And it was empty, save for that towering building that now looked like burnt toast.

In fact, the Organization was only able to escape. All the other occupants were burned alive-er…dead.

Zexion heard a tiny whimpering beside him and sighed despairingly. He might as well humor him.

"…Is something the matter Demyx?" Demyx stared up at Zexion, tears filling his eyes.

"D-Did I do a bad thing, Zexy?" Zexion stared at him. Demyx stared back, expecting an answer of some sort. Zexion just continued to stare. This lasted for quite some time, until Demyx finally got the hint and crawled away.

"D-Don't worry everyone!!" Out came Kadaj, panting and slightly fried. "Everyone else is just a little crispy! And I…um…made another home for you!" she sputtered, pointing wildly over Zexion's shoulder. Zexion, having nothing else to do, looked back and felt his jaw drop as he showed more emotion than he had for the past three years.

It was a fucking brothel.

Fin


End file.
